No, not you, Susan. Well, you also. But I'm talkin' about moving the absurdity of blogginess to a new home, at http://www.apagogical.com. So go there for more fun times, everybody!

The only thing the chicken and the lamb could agree on was that the door needed to be fixed. The top hinge was broken, and the henhouse door, attached only by a single rusty hinge at the bottom, was hanging at a jaunty angle. There was no way it was going to stay shut through the gusty night, and it looked like it was just about to fall off entirely.

“We should just take the whole thing down and fix it right,” said the lamb. “I know where the farmer keeps his tools, and we could just do it up ourselves.”

“Golly,” exclaimed the chicken. “I’m no carpenter, and I don’t think we should be doing such an important job. We could just tape it up for the night, and let the farmer fix it in the morning.”

“Golly? Who says golly anymore? What are you, from 1950?” asked the lamb.

“Oh you’re one to talk,” replied the chicken. “You’re a lamb. Lambs don’t even talk, so maybe you should just shut your yap, and--”

Just then, the hungry howl of a hungry wolf pierced the soft murmur of the henhouse. The hens recoiled back into their nests.

“OK, go get us some tools, and quick,” whispered the chicken.

“Nu-uh! I’m staying in here,” squeaked the lamb. “I’m not going out there alone. I don’t have wolf insurance. You should go with me.”

“No frickin’ way!” rasped the chicken.

“What are you, chicken?” asked the lamb. “Oh, right. Never mind.”

Fairy Mutual is proud to announce the availability of our newest product, Wolf Insurance! Wolf Insurance, now available in 38 states plus the District of Columbia, is the perfect protection against all the big, bad, wolf-related risks that modern lives include. Now, if a wolf blows down your house, eats your grandmother, or otherwise threatens your person or property, you can be assured that you’re not going to be liable for any damages at all! In most cases, we can even arrange for a fairy god-claims-adjuster to intervene even before the incident, preventing the wolf problem before it even starts. This exciting new product also covers damages from werewolves*, coyotes, and rabid dogs or other rabid animals weighing over 25 lbs. Contact your fairy god-agent today to find out about signing up for wolf insurance, as well as all our other exciting fairy tale insurance products, including frog-prince insurance, and poisoned fruit insurance, and of course our signature glass slipper coverage. With Fairy Mutual, you’ll always know someone’s looking out for you.

* Damages incurred by a werewolf in human form (i.e. not during the full moon) are not covered under the wolf insurance policy, but may be covered under your standard ogre or angry villager liability insurance. Talk to you fairy god-agent for details.

While modern rhinestones are produced artificially, this glittery, almost worthless jewel was once amongst the rarest of commodities. Years ago, the rhinestone was harvested from the skin of the male pink rhinoceros, a now extinct creature. By maturity, the male pink rhino developed a glittery, mesmerizing hide of tough scales, which both provided protection for the animal, as well as drew attention away from the females and young of the species. As soon as humans developed the necessary weapons to pierce this tough armor, the pink rhino was quickly hunted to extinction. The hides were carefully cut and cured, to produce rhinestones so fine and beautiful that they instilled great pride in their owners. They were even carefully woven into jackets and other garments, which were then awarded to winners of dancing competitions. Contrary to common perceptions, the pink rhino did not usually appear pink, as it merely reflected and refracted the light around it. Typically it appeared to be a glittery sky blue. But in the soft light of sunrise, when the sky was just changing from red to pink to orange, the pink rhino would glisten with immense beauty. Since it was usually this time of the morning when photographers were out to take its picture, the animal became known as the “pink” rhino.

Our sinner's card provides all the services that a real sinner needs: a 24-hour customer service hotline; a low APR; and every time you use the cards, you earn points you can use to get SUV's, air travel to exotic destinations, or you can even have a baby seal clubbed in your honor. With nearly universal acceptance*, you'll find you're covered everywhere you go.

And with no pre-defined sinning limits, you're protected in case of emergencies. Met a hot chick who's into everything but leaving town tomorrow? Visiting an all-you-can-eat sushi and dessert buffet? Need to open an extra torture cell at Guantanamo to handle the volume? We've got you covered.

Membership has its indulgements.


* Universal acceptance may not apply in: Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Andorra, Angola, Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina, Armenia, Australia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Barbados, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Benin, Bhutan, Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada, Cape Verde, Central African Republic, Chad, Chile, China, Colombia, Comoros, Congo (Republic of the), Costa Rica, Côte d'Ivoire, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Democratic Republic of the Congo, Denmark, Djibouti, Dominica, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Estonia, Ethiopia, Fiji, Finland, France, Gabon, Gambia, Georgia, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Grenada, Guatemala, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Guyana, Haiti, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran (Islamic Republic of), Iraq, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kiribati, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Lao People's Democratic Republic, Latvia, Lebanon, Lesotho, Liberia, Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Madagascar, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Mali, Malta, Marshall Islands, Mauritania, Mauritius, Mexico, Micronesia (Federated States of), Moldova, Monaco, Mongolia, Montenegro, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Namibia, Nauru, Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, Norway, Oman, Pakistan, Palau, Panama, Papua New Guinea, Paraguay, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Republic of Korea, Romania, Russian Federation, Rwanda, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Samoa, San Marino, Sao Tome and Principe, Saudi Arabia, Senegal, Serbia, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Swaziland, Sweden, Switzerland, Syrian Arab Republic, Tajikistan, Thailand, The former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, Timor-Leste, Togo, Tonga, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Tuvalu, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, United Republic of Tanzania, Uruguay, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Venezuela (Bolivarian Republic of), Viet Nam, Yemen, Zambia, Zimbabwe

THE NORTH POLE – Thanksgiving was the first to fall to the consumer armies of Christmas, and it looks like Halloween may have been lost as well. As retailers push to expand the Christmas selling season, nothing will stand in their way.

"Columbus Day, Labor Day, Independence Day — they will all fall before our jolly rampaging hordes! Bwa ha ha!" said Tara Makarup, a spokeswoman for Santa Claus Corp, a subsidiary of Wal-Mart. "Although November and December still represent our busiest Christmas sales months, we have been placing a selective sampling of our Christmas items into stores early for several years."

It's a phenomenon called "Christmas creep," according to the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. As Christmas sales become an ever-larger part of retail profits, stores have raced to expand this lucrative season. "Christmas now represents over 80 percent of our annual sales," bragged Sally Faclempt, spokeswoman for Flor-Mart, which begins its super-pre-early Christmas Spectacular sale in April, just weeks after the final post-Christmas Close-Out Clearance ends in February.

Jim Jones, an etymologist at the Columbia College of Words, explained that the meaning of the phrase "Christmas creep" has changed over the years. "While today it refers to the expansion of the Christmas season, but back when Christmas was restricted to December, the Christmas creep was the homeless man outside Wal-Mart who smelled bad and asked you for some money so he could buy liquor to celebrate the season."

Today on Crosspuncher, Bill Clinton and Al Franken take on Bill O'Reilly and Newt Gingrich in a tag team cage match contest to decide the fate of the world! Four men enter, N men leave, where 0 <= N <= 4! What will happen? Who will survive? Will any of them master the secret art of Hadoken? Will Bill get really mad and start cutting people off, or cutting people up? And which Bill am I talking about? Watch live tonight, 8 o'clock, 7 central, on iTV, the only TV that starts with an "i"!

I told Jim, my translator, about the waiter at the Three Seasons today. He interrupted me halfway through the story, by taking out his cell phone and dialing while apologizing for the awful service. Then he started shouting into the phone "You waiter no good insult American visitor! You waiter fire right now!"

"What, no that's not what I wanted!" I shouted at Jim.

He quickly relayed my changed opinion to whomever he had called: "Oh, wait, no, American say fire not good enough. You kill waiter instead."

"No, no, the waiter did a fine job. I just wanted to know if 'sunny side up' meant 'spoiled milk' in Krapish," I said.

My translator relayed this delightful news to his phone, "No wait, I misunderstand, American says waiter do good job, you promote him, not shoot." Then I heard some commotion coming from the phone, and the sound of a gunshot, and then the phone disconnected. "I'm sure they be OK," said Jim, confidently. "I misunderstand your question, but now I get. Sunny side up mean same thing in Krapish as in English. In fact, all words mean same thing. Just that Krapish has bad grammar."

I pondered this for a while. If this is true, then the waiter probably did give me intentionally bad service. And why did the government provide me with a translator, if all the words have the same meanings?

Many a bride has chosen her outfit for her wedding according to the ancient proverb: "Something old, something new, something borrowed, and... uh... something that rhymes."

It's that last one that most often trips people up. What can you wear that rhymes? There's so many choices that just don't seem appropriate: a cat in a hat, a big wig, or Lou's shoes (thus qualifying as "borrowed" as well, usually). Probably the easiest thing to choose is a plain train, but so much detail and planning goes into the rest of the wedding, it seems silly not to put as much through into the train as everything else. One of the more interesting "things that rhymed" was worn by Princess Elizabeth (now the Queen); she wore the then Poet Laureate John Masefield, who wrapped himself around her waist as a belt.

Life here is so bleak and colorless, and generally odorless, except by the lollipop factory, where it always smells like burnt cinnamon. I don't know why it smells like that; the factory has been closed for months, and even when it was open, they only made black licorice flavor lollipops. That's the flavor that the glorious Mr. Leaderhead liked. But apparently, nobody else liked it. I can't imagine why...

There are pictures and billboards and statues of the glorious Mr. Leaderhead everywhere, but everywhere they are all just brown and grey, except not so much brown. Sometimes someone has pasted googly-eyes on the pictures. Or maybe that's actually what he looks like, and it's not that vandals have stuck on the eyes on some pictures; originally all the pictures and billboards and statues had googly-eyes, and vandals have made off with most of them...

I ordered some eggs for breakfast, sunny side up, so that I could at least get a little burst of sunshine to start my day, but alas, the Three Seasons restaurant had no eggs today. I had to settle for a bowl of cereal and spoiled milk. As I got up after breakfast, I asked the waiter why only three seasons, why not four? He was puzzled. He apparently had no idea what seasons were, nor why there should be four, or for that matter, three. I don't even think he spoke English. Maybe he didn't understand me when I asked for eggs in the first place. Maybe "sunny side up" is Krapish for "spoiled milk". I will have to ask my translator, on the train later...

Do you know the etymological roots of this phrase? Historians disagree on the exact origin of the phrase; some attribute it to Julius Caesar, while others suggest it was first uttered by the great showman P.T. Barnum, or by inventor Eli Whitney. To argue their points, various historians have explained the phrase thusly:

Industry: The "die" is a metal block used to stamp out repeated copies of a manufactured part. When the die is cast (formed) then the shape of the part that will be created is predetermined.

Textiles: The "die" is actually dye, used to color textiles. In ancient times, most dyes were effectively permanent, so when casting a bucket of dye across a bolt of cloth, an irrevocable change was made.

Warfare: The "die" is death. Thus when the die is cast, the determination of who will survive and who will die in battle has been fixed, because both generals have committed to their course of action.

Gambling: The "die" is a gambling tool, typically the traditional black and white six-sided cube. When cast, all bets are locked in, and cannot be changed, so they will either win or lose based on the result.

Broadway: The "die" is slang the diva, the star of the show. When the die is cast, the actress who will play that role has been set, and the success or failure of the show will depend principally on her.

Mobile phone throwing has recently become a popular sport in Europe, with national competitions popping up left and right. Finland hosted the 7th International World Championships this past August, where Lassi Etelätalo set a new world record for distance with a throw of 89 meters.

While the throwing of mobile phones is a relatively new past time, the sport can trace its roots back decades. In fact, the history of phone throwing is almost as old as the telephone itself. The earliest recorded telephone throw was in 1879, just three years after Alexander Graham Bell's famous first phone call, when Mr. Hamlin Smith of 82 Park Avenue in New York, in a fit of rage over having been put on hold for three hours by the water company, threw his telephone 13 feet (early telephones where quite large and heavy). That first throw, while not in an officially sanctioned competition, was witnessed by dozens of onlookers, and inspired a more formal contest the following day. In the event, Mr. Smith was better prepared, and was able to achieve a distance of 18 feet, a record which stood for over 40 years.

In the 1960's, phone throwing experienced a resurgence, in drug-fueled free-love phone-tossing orgies, where dozens of people threw phones around almost at random, wrapped cords around people's legs, and generally practiced unsafe phone throwing practices. Many people were injured in these wild festivals, and disease spread rampantly, communicated on unsterilized mouthpieces.

I have developed a potentially revolutionary theory about dryer lint. I had been pondering the origins of this lint: where does this extra mass come from? I typically have all my clothes still when they come out of the dryer, but then I also have this extra bit in the form of dryer lint. I didn't put it in there or anything, it's just bonus! The energy consumed by my dryer is substantially less than the 25 or so gigawatt-hours that would be necessary to create a gram or so of lint out of energy directly, so it must come from somewhere else. Then I stumbled upon it: this must be what remains of the missing sock. Testing this theory directly by comparing the mass of the lint with the mass of the missing sock isn’t possible, because the missing sock isn’t available for a physical analysis. However, the missing sock does have a clone as it were: the other now mismatched sock. SO, if my theory is correct, the total weight of the dryer lint should equal the total weight of all my mismatched socks. I shall now have to begin a thorough record-keeping process to test my theory. Updates will be provided here when new data becomes available.

The violin and the viola are commonly confused instruments, because they look, feel, sound, and taste almost identical. A trained observer, however, will be able to tell the difference between these two remarkable instruments, even without the assistance of laboratory equipment. The violin is generally a smaller, lighter instrument, and often has a fruity, citrus flavor; while the viola is usually larger, with a fuller tone and an earthy, even smokey flavor.

The confusion that many people have in understanding the difference between these instruments was exploited by the now infamous game show "21", which in an early incarnation asked its contestants to examine an instrument and determine what that instrument was, without the benefit of holding it next to any other instruments. That show didn't go over so well, as viewers were uninterested, and even the host couldn't get things right: when a contestant with especially poor depth perception tried to call a cello as a violin on the show, the host then pulled out a viola, misread his cue card, and shouted "voila!" Today, that show is long forgotten, but the exclamation "voila!" when revealing something new or unexpected is still a part of our everyday vernacular.

Every autumn, the mature fountain pens make the long a difficult journey back up the Columbia river, so as to spawn in the same factory in Oregon as where they were born, a decade or more earlier. But new development and new dams along the river have made it difficult for these fountain pens to make it all the way back, and more and more fail to do so each year. The inklings of the pens who do make it back fail to replace the number of pens who don't, and the long slow decline of these majestic pens continues.

Fewer fountain pens, however, has made more room for ball point pens, which have rapidly multiplied to fill the void. These ball point pens have no natural predators, and so their exploding population has been kept in check only by their own high mortality rate, and their penchant for going missing, never to be seen again.

Millions of these poor ball point pens have disappeared in this fashion, forced to live their better years stuck underneath the seats in cars, behind desks, and wedged between couch cushions. Sometimes their brethren, so wracked with woe and suffering, commit ritual suicide, exploding a a vibrant shower of ink, covering everything nearby with their viscous innards, a permanent testament to their missing comrades.

You know so much of the music we hear today is preprogramed electronic disco, we never get a chance to hear "Master Blues Men" practicing their craft anymore. By the year 2006, the music known today as "The Blues" will exist only in the classical records department of your local public library. --Elwood Blues, 1978

MIAMI — Tropical Storm Ernesto formed Friday over the Caribbean, and storm watchers here at the National Hurricane Center are concerned. Ernesto could strengthen to become a full fledged hurricane, the first of the 2006 Atlantic season, as early as next week.

Ernesto is projected to move into the Gulf of Mexico in a few days, although at this early stage storm prediction is notoriously difficult. The storm could still potentially strike anywhere, said Robbie Berg, a forecaster at the hurricane center.

“The message we want to get out to people is to panic now, and not wait until the last minute before panicking,” said Berg. “All too often, people wait until just before the storm hits and then panic.”

Hurricane watchers urged anyone living anywhere near water to pack up their belongings, board up their homes, and hit the road now, before the storm’s dangerous winds and storm surge make doing so difficult and dangerous. “Once a storm’s path is well defined, traffic along evacuation routes will start to build, and inland hotels will fill, so the it’s smart to get going as soon as possible,” said Nadine Newsome, of the Office of Disaster Preparedness and Emergency Management.

LONDON — Britain's highest ranking law enforcement official today announced that the British government had foiled a new terrorist plot, just four days after it had foiled the previously announced terrorist plot.

This new scheme involved terrorists attempting to sneak bomb materials onto aircraft by disguising the materials as human organs and having them sugically implanted into their bodies. They would then assemble the various components onboard the aircraft, and detonate their weapons while in flight.

In response, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has implemented new rules banning passengers from bringing their internal organs through security. The only exceptions are for baby's organs, or those passengers travelling who can provide official medical documents proving that their internal organs are necessary, but those internal organs must be labelled with the same name as appears on the passenger's ticket. Unlabelled organs will not be allowed through security.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, in making the announcement, acknowledged that the new regulations would add an extra burden on security screeners and travelers alike. "We recognize these measures are going to be inconvenient. But they are proportionate to the very real threat to the lives of innocent people that was posed by this plot. And what is important here is that we are taking every prudent step to thwart new tactics of terror," he said.

Trash bins at airports, which just days ago had been filled with bottles of shampoo and can of shaving cream, are now bursting at the seams to contain the various discarded kidneys, livers, and intestines that unsuspecting passengers had neglected to pack in their checked baggage.

One airport visitor, however, preferred to look on the bright side of things. "My daughter has kidney-itis, and she's been waiting for a kidney transplant for weeks now. So this has really been a miracle for her," said Pete Johns of West Podunk. "We were starting to lose hope, but now there's so many kidneys available that I think my daughter won't just replace one of her failing kidneys, but maybe even we can put a couple extra ones in there too, just in case."

BERLIN — The growing popularity of the World Cup in the United States has some anti-immigration activists worried as it may be yet one more indicator that immigrants to the United States are not adopting American culture and values, but rather maintaining their old ways.

"The relatively good ratings for television broadcasts of the FIFA World Cup only goes to reinforce the threat that immigrants pose to the American way of life," said Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO). "If Univision gets good ratings, that's bad enough, but when people take the time to learn English but then still watch soccer, that just goes to show that these immigrants don't really want to assimilate into American culture.

Some anti-immigrant activists have suggested that persons applying for citizenship should have to demonstrate that they don't care about soccer, in addition to the usual loyalty oath and history and civics.

The Democratic party, as usual, is split over the issue. Soccer-crazy Hispanic voters make up a growing new power base for Democrats, but the party still draws a large part of their support from their traditional power base: the unions. "Jimmy Hoffa is buried under the end zone at Giants' Stadium, a shrine to American Football, not that pansy soccer bullshit," said AFL-CIO President John Sweeney.

"I support our team, but I don't support the tournament," said Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY). "Those guys on the team, they put their all into this, and it's ridiculous to even imply that any patriotic American wouldn't be behind them one hundred percent. But our participation in the World Cup tournament was doomed from the start, and I think that our boys should never been sent in there in the first place."

WASHINGTON -- Congress is considering legislation to build a 700 mile fence along the border of Massachusetts, to stop the flow of married gay couples entering the rest of the United States. "Married gays represent a threat to the American way of life, impose an enormous social and economic cost on society, and need to be stopped at the border," said Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO).

"Gay couples do things that other Americans won't do," said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA). "We have to accept them into society, and we certainly shouldn’t go wall off a state, especially Massachusetts, because we all know that married gay couples will have no trouble getting over the fence, perhaps in, say, an airplane."

"I say let the prisoners do those things," said Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA), who spoke in support of the fence, adding "my understanding is that’s what they spend their time doing anyhow. We don't need married gays to have those things done."

In response to the further threat of married gay couples on airplanes, Rep. Tancredo suggested adding gays to the no-fly list maintained by the Transportation Security Administration, and adding sophisticated "gay-dar" equipment at security checkpoints.